Looking Glass
By Damen MacDougall
It will happen that I will be looking in the mirror
and catch a glance of my aunt Judy in the set
of my eyes, subtle flare of my nostril, the shape
of my lips. I search then, at my neck, imagining
that I feel the scarf
tighten
I think of her often, see her reflected in the cast
of my face when I am alone, in my vanity, its
winged mirrors swinging, displaying my throat
in triple, three views of the bruise circling my neck
as if I am the one
who’s died
How shrunken she seemed sitting in the trailer
we used to share. Evicted, her home emptied
of its possessions like some cancerous lung
expelling what carcinogens it can in a last heave
before it deflates
entirely
A material life that dematerialized. I catch
myself clutching onto the physical as she did.
Her hands in death are my own, atrophied
in a grip on all things that time will wrench from me,
fingers swollen, palms
calloused
But these digits are nimble enough when fidgeting
over my features, when raking my face, dexterous
when it comes time to flick the ash from my cigarette
like she used to do. I think, not for the first time,
that I am killing myself
as she did
I feel I am as stained through as I was at eight,
walking the road behind her house, holding
the hem of my shirt in front of me, pregnant
with blackberries, bulging, the cotton of my shirt
bled through with purple
and red
It’s an irreverent kind of stain, not shying away
from its permanency. Blithe like the pain
of a tattoo, that sensation you could live in
forever, the sweet ache grazing your skin
reminding you of what feelings
you are capable
She’d stopped taking her pills, the week before
it happened. Deliberate. I feel her decisions
manifest in my own fears, and in those things
I should fear, but don’t. I think I understand her,
though I wish that I
didn’t